The last time I left the house was months ago. Anxiety and depression kinda do that to you.
The pandemic forced all of us indoors. Obviously, the more active amongst you took it upon yourselves to go running and work out from home and whatever else.
The lockdown was a great opportunity for all of us to get in shape. However, I think it’s safe to say the majority of us did the exact opposite.
During this extended lockdown period (What I mean is, since the pandemic hit), it’s reported that depression and anxiety spiked across the country, but not in equal measure. Though it was only an 8.1% spike on average, women and young people (groups who have worse mental health) were hit hardest.
Physical health and mental health are linked, and we’ve all found ourselves getting fatter and more miserable. I’ve never been a fan of exercise, even as a child sports were not my thing. I think the only ‘sport’ I’ve ever enjoyed is dancing. I was trained in contemporary dance through college and university and loved it.
However, in my tiny flat, there’s not much room for that.
And so I’ve been gaining more and more weight and becoming more and more unfit. Developing a game and online teaching has allowed me to wallow in my obesity, though thankfully the change to my physical appearance has been minor. My physical fitness has taken a massive hit. I won’t go into the details, but it’s at an embarrassing new low. I want to get fitter but I absolutely loathe exercise. I find it completely mind numbingly boring. Like, I’ve tried watching TV, reading books, playing video games, listening to music whilst exercising.
They do not relieve the agony that is the boredom of exercise. My ADHD mind begins to immediately wander to other things. Oh I should top up my bottle. Where did I put those shoes? What am I doing later? How much longer do I have left? There’s a song stuck in my head. Haha memes. What was I doing? How long have I been doing this? And on and on and on and in the end I am so distracted or miserable that I give up.
If only exercise was pleasurable. Imagine for every minute of exercise you do, you experience feelings similar to an orgasm (and the exercise isn’t sex). That would be so good. Go for a 30 minute run, that’s 30 orgasms, each more powerful than the last!
I mean, it might be quite funny/disturbing to see a bunch of men and women moaning and squirming in the street after running, but at the same time, if it was already normalised (I.E. humans had ALWAYS been like that) then it’d be fine. Everyone would have banging bodies. Goodbye toxic beauty culture!
Though come to think of it, even sex can be a hassle when you have ADHD. Sometimes I find it so hard (no pun intended) to concentrate on sex. And then I am trying to focus on the sex so much that I end up not feeling horny anymore and it just becomes mediocre and bleh. It’s difficult to relax while getting a blowjob when your mind will not just stop for five minutes. Ah, this feels nice. Wait, what’s that crack in the wall? How long’s that been there? Maybe we should paint over that. What colour would we paint it – oh, shit, focus on your dick. Okay. I’m focussing. My neck hurts. I need to get more comfortable. Ah, there we go. I’m cold. Where’s the blanket? Okay I’m good now. I think I need to pee. I’m hungry. After this BJ I need to remember –
AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.
Sometimes I have to just stop the action. Luckily my partner is understanding and stuff, but it doesn’t make me feel any less shit. In one moment I am ready to rock his world, in the next, I’m thinking about what to have for dinner in 3 days’ time.
It can even affect masturbation too. Dick is in hand, watching some decent material, then wait, what is he wearing? What the fuck is that? Ew look at this gross ad. Why is this ad playing on a gay porn site? Oh shit I need to remember to check that link. I’ll just quickly check it right now. Huh why am I getting facebook notifications? Who is tagging me in stuff? I wonder if I have any notifs on twitter. Wait, my dick is out. Back to porn. This video is boring. *Opens 30 tabs*. Okay. This video seems good. Wait I hate his voice. What do the comments say?
AND ON AND ON.
It gets annoying. Humorously, there’s been times when I’ve masturbated, finished, and while still covered in nut, I’ve become distracted by any number of things until remembering I still have nut on my chest and hand and should probably go clean that up.
Yesterday I left the house. Only to then go to my mate’s house. And I took a taxi because to walk, it’d take like an hour so fuck that noise. But it was so strange. Like… when I say I don’t leave the house, I mean I don’t leave the house. For any reason. My fiancé does the shopping. In fact, leaving the house had become an incredibly anxious task for me. Anxiety combined with lack of fitness combined with chronic over-thinking. I’m pretty sure I have body dysmorphia too, but that’s a story for another time.
But yesterday, I was in the taxi, looking out of the window at the public. We drove through town, which was bustling. It’s half term, and the sun was shining, so families browsed through the markets, smiling, and having a good time.
It was really nice to see. I saw other people enjoying their lives.
And I dunno… Like, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but it stirred something inside me. Something emotional. Almost felt like relief? Relief at what, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that things seem to be slowly going back to ‘normal’. But it was just so nice to see other people. Other people being nice. I wanted to be there, amongst the happy people. Not back in the rut of my home, working away at whatever project I’m invested in, for hour after hour after hour.
It reminded me of when I was a teenager. Relaxing in fields with my friends, either fooling around or drinking or both. Even in my University years, this was a common occurrence.
Very little beats sitting in the sun with your friends and booze. And I miss it.
But I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m almost 30.
And that is depressing.
Most of my friends aren’t my friends now. Simply because we all drifted away after high school. At university, I didn’t really have many friends to begin with. I was picky who I associated myself with because, to be honest, 1) I was an asshole, 2) I was suffering with undiagnosed depression, 3) 99% of people on my course were there for socialisation, not for education. To be honest, I felt like the boomer of the class. I wasn’t interested in clubbing (much) or watching The Only Way Is Essex. I was a square peg. But I’m glad I didn’t change for anyone. I have strong beliefs (not in religion…) and one of them is to always be true to yourself. And I do that, to a fault.
It was nice seeing other people. Plus some of the dudes were hot, so… bonus.
I always find it so difficult to get out of these particular slumps – I have chronic anxiety, and the thought of going outside is scary. I feel like people are gonna point and laugh at me. For various reasons.
I’ve tried ‘building myself up’ by going out for mini walks around the block. But I never stick to it. As anyone else with depression and/or ADHD knows, sticking to a schedule is often impossible! Something that does help me is to write a task on a post it note. Because of my ADHD, I have very poor memory and focus. So whenever I remember something I need to do, I will write it on a post it note and stick it to the computer. The post it notes are all different colours too, which (as basic as it sounds) helps. If they were all the same colour in a line, I wouldn’t be able to see what’s on them. I’m sure to anyone without ADHD this sound absolutely bizarre, but just stay with me here! I don’t mean I go blind, but for me, all the words will just kinda… merge. I will be reading the information but not processing it at all. So different colours help me differentiate what I need to do AND I can also visually and physically register when tasks are complete by screwing up the post it notes.
However, post-it notes are also ripe for flicking and changing position, which I can often get distracted with. Hell, while writing this post I have stopped several times to mess with a bit of skin that is on my finger.
I stumbled across this article which has a number of tips and tricks to help the ADHD mind not get lost within itself. However in my opinion, the website isn’t very ADHD friendly. The list is too long and boring to look at, which is ironic considering it’s a site specifically for people with ADD/ADHD. But I flicked through it and it seems decent.
Anyway, this has gone on for long enough. I can’t stop thinking about other junk I need to do today.